I had a specific flavor about me in the years before family life took hold of me. My zest for life was overwhelming. My dreams of the future, limitless.
Creativity has always been just beside me in everything I did. It ranged from having a different routine every day to always making a birthday card, never buying one. I don’t think that I ever, up until now, understood myself in such a way to just accept myself for who I am,and not making excuses for what comes naturally.
Resigning from my Corporate Communications position to study Performing Arts: Dance full-time, helped me. At the age of 24 my cash-strapped-student-life helped me stay in a bubble. In this bubble I could explore the creative side of me, for three years constantly.
My bubble-life changed, when I got married and became a mother. The responsibilities in my life changed and the girl in the bubble had less and less time to express the bubble-life. Please understand, I didn’t become unhappy, in contrary I became more and more fulfilled with living my dream. I am a wife and a mother. I prayed, no begged the Lord, that I would be in this privileged position, since I was a teenager.
Thing is, I just realized, and have been for a while, that I need to give expression to the idealistic me. I cannot look back on this life and say “I never had time to be me”. It just feels that now, because I understand myself better, I am actually realizing what I have been missing for most of my life.
Therefore, the challenge is on. I am holding myself accountable to…myself, and a few people near to me. I must stop acting how I feel I should act (pleasing everyone around me…), and start acting as I know to be true to my own identity. Please note: This is trickier than I thought. To combine true identity with wisdom and love most definitely needs guidance from above.
All of this said: I am still a wife and a mommy. I feel much more liberated, and very excited about what lies ahead. I pray that there would be Grace for us to parent our children into wise authentic human beings, loving themselves, if only a few understand them. I need to live freely for them to be free.
In the light of our parenting challenges, is this not maybe our relief? I have never heard anyone say: “To become a mother you need to change your personality”. Our character automatically change, but look after your personality, stay who you are. If the true you are hiding in the forest of everyday living, look for her. She is waiting for you to find her. If you’ve never known who she is, I urge you to find out.
What am I actually doing different? Well, you won’t believe this, but I rarely choose clothes in shops I REALLY like. I always choose what other suggest or what I think others find acceptable. Now, I am not allowed to buy something unless I absolutely love it, and I actually have a very clear idea of what is beautiful to me. I tried to color my hair today, it came out lighter than I wanted, but its fine…baby steps. Next time it will be a bit brighter. Another important step I want to take, I have literally mulled over for years. You will have to wait for the end result of this one. I’ll keep you posted.
Dr Clarissa Pinkola Estes says in her book : Women who run with the Wolves that “ Wolves and women have been tarred with the same brush …but the aspect of the wolf that the wild women relies on; is the idea of freedom. The idea of being unspoiled, to have rhythms that are uninterrupted by over doses of the intellect.”
Embrace your womanhood, embrace your strengths and weaknesses, and celebrate your uniqueness!
To be continued …
Written by Johanni Meiring
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